I have admittedly been lazy recently. This is super unusual for me. The reason for it, as far as I remember from how I got here, is that I needed a break. My day job was occupying a huge amount of nervous energy, and I needed to find peace. I changed jobs, and while the onboarding process was a bit stressful, I find much less overwhelming anxiety in my new position. This isn’t to say that I disliked my old job; it was just creating a frenetic energy in me.
My spouse’s work and school schedules have been intense, so I have been trying to do less personally and focus on household tasks and running the “ship” while they are occupied. In addition, one of their family members is extremely sick, which is another toll on both of us.
We are also moving apartments soon, which has been a long and exhausting process.
Lastly, I am training for a 100 mile bike race. The training can be intense at times, although last year’s training has made this year’s much easier.
Long story short, I am tired, and running out of f***s to give. And I’m trying to take the advice I perpetuate here: take a break.
I was originally writing this post thinking that I would be writing about laziness, because I dropped one of the many “balls in the air” in my life. However, now that I write this, I realize I am finally taking breaks. And boy, does it feel great.
I am still an insanely intense person, type-A as much as I can physically be, and a true INTJ-T. (INTJ-T is a personality type; this link describes how I currently “tick”: https://www.16personalities.com/intj-personality.)
So, maybe I’m not being lazy. Maybe I’m just enjoying life. Summer is here. Perhaps I will spend some time more outside, on a bike, riding fast but for fun. Perhaps I will finally make it to New Hampshire while the weather is still warm. And perhaps I will still finish my opera with time to spare before the score calls go away.
The funny thing about moving is that one goes down memory lane when one packs. In my case, I realize just how intense of a person I am. Holy cow. And I was even more intense in my past. Most people see my calmness, but I am a very focused, incisive, active, and frenetic person.
When sifting through my past work, receipts, and documents, I realize that I spent most of my college life working on homework, instead of getting out to musical performances that would have enriched me more. I spent most of my work life to date overworking and, while enjoying my work, going home wanting to just pass out.
My brother once wrote on a card or somewhere else that I should take my own advice and take a break. I guess I’m finally doing it.
Hello, As an INFJ (basically the INTJ’s Cousin) Composer, I ask that you please don’t kick yourself too hard. I too can relate to your experience with outside stress from work and life and the resulting experience of legnthy creative dry spells. It is very easy to blame ourselves by labeling ourselves as “lazy”. It can be difficult, but it is important to not only look at the positives (like what you have accomplished-not necessarily in the music realm) and be objective of the past so that you can not only learn from it as you have, but modify the actions( or inactions) that put you in the positions you wish to avoid in the first place. It’s easy to get caught up in “would have should have could have” and dwell on percieved mistakes. Also, it is extremely healthy for us introverts (or really anybody) to take breaks, so please don’t feel bad. Sometimes things just are, and life happens. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, keep on living and Happy Composing!
Thank you for your kind and insightful words! I appreciate the wisdom shared. Happy living and composing too!